Alright, I know I have not written anything for this attempt at a blog in quite some time. However for once, in quite some time I seriously have something worth pondering. After spending the past 24 hours avoiding as much human contact as possible, I’ve started to think the rest of the world might not be the problem. Perhaps the problem is me!
Alright, I guess I should begin to explain things in detail now, before I enlighten the rest of you with the fuct up philosophy that I have going. I’ve been dating this guy, he’s 5 years younger than I am. So that means yes I am 24 and he is just 19. What was supposed to be purely sexual, has turned into something more. I confess for about a week I felt like we had “something more” as well, now it is, well I don’t know what. Our sex, isn’t exactly sex… it’s seriously what I imagined making love to someone would be. So ultimately the whole problem with us, isn’t him at all… it’s me. I asked him, just the other day what it was he saw in someone 5 years older than he is; he responded to me with “older women are more mature, they want commitment and I’m tired of having a few rounds of sex and calling it quits”. Apparently he should have consulted my reputation a little further than he did, because he would have seen I’m exactly what he’s trying to avoid. It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s just I hate feeling like I’m trapped. I hate having someone I’m supposed to talk to every day. I hate having to explain why I can’t do something on a certain day, and I hate being given the guilt trip when I do break plans I made with him. So now, I am just disgusted and spending every chance I can get avoiding him.
Sadly this thing that is normally so typical in my dating relationships has became an eye opener. What if all these problems I think I find in whoever my fling for the moment is, are really figments of my imagination? Would it be so hard for me to look in the mirror sometimes and admit, I’m the heartbreaker everyone fears. Don’t get me wrong, I loathe being alone. In fact I sometimes fear I might die alone if I do not change my ways, but how can I change what has been a part of me for 24 years? It’s not as if I am totally miserable doing this to people. Hell, I’m probably as heartless as they come when it comes to fucking and dumping. I apparently have this thing about me, that enables me to get everyone I’ve wanted (almost everyone) and when I have them I no longer want them. What’s the thrill after you have been there, done that? And to think, at 24 I’m running out of time to meet my life plan deadline; I once wanted to be married and have my first child at 26. It won’t happen, probably won’t be happening at 36 for that matter as well. Oh well, ladies, I’m going to cast another one back into the sea… he’ll be slightly damaged but then again, the rest of the world is a lot nicer than I am.